


Send a shock right through me.

by Whump_Happens



Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid
Genre: Dr. Tudor, Is my name for Roberts PEIP character, Is the Doctor at PEIP that I created, John and Xander have adopted Lex and Hannanh, John just wants to save his husband, M/M, Private Erik Herbert, Torture, Xander gets hurt pretty bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:26:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23869747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whump_Happens/pseuds/Whump_Happens
Summary: Xander was sent on a solo mission and he got caught. His captors intend to get all the information they can out of him any way they can.John is desperate to save his husband, willing to do anything to get him back. But will he be able to before it's too late?
Relationships: Xander Lee/John McNamara
Comments: 11
Kudos: 34





	Send a shock right through me.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains torture. If you are uncomfortable with that at all please do not read.

Xander comes to slowly, his head is pounding and his arms are aching. He goes to move them but is stopped by a cold metal chain. It takes him a few more seconds to slowly pry his eyes open. He realizes he is in a small, cold room hanging from the ceiling by his wrists, his feet barely able to touch the floor to take some of the pressure off his arms. He racked his brain trying to figure out how he got here. 

Last he remembers is he was on a solo mission to retrieve data from the Russian's portal to the Black and White. It must have gone badly. 

Very badly. 

He's barely awake for a full minute when the door behind him slams open and he can hear someone enter the room. A large man with a long dark beard enters Xander’s vision. He looks at Xander for half a second before kicking Xander’s legs out from under him and watching him scramble for several seconds to get them back under him so they can support his weight and not leave him fully hanging by his wrist.

"Who are you working for?" He asks with a heavy Russian accent.

"I- I don't know what you are talking about. I'm just a tourist who got lost. That's all." Xander speaks with an impeccable British accent, hoping desperately that the large man will believe the lie that he made up on the spot. 

Unfortunately Xander is never that lucky.

"You don't want to talk? That's fine. I'm sure we can loosen your tongue." The Russian man gestures to someone behind Xander. A woman with fiery red hair rolls in a car battery, a pair of jumper cables, and a large bucket of water on a cart. Xander tenses when he sees the objects, he knows what's coming.

"Let's start with an easier question then. Who are you and where do you come from?"  
The man spoke again. 

"My name is Brendon Jones and I’m from Cardiff." The lie slips off Xander’s tongue without him even having to think about it. The man looks at his companion and nods. She picks up the bucket of water and throws it on Xander, soaking him from head to toe in ice-cold water. He started shivering almost immediately, the room was already uncomfortably cold, but now it was so much worse. 

"One last chance. Who are you?" The man asks as the woman attaches the jumper cables to the battery. Xander watches her with dread before forcing his attention back to the man. 

"I told you. My name is Brendon Jones." He barely gets the fake name out before she presses the ends of the cables against him.

Xander feels the electricity sear through his body. He bites his tongue in a desperate attempt to hold back a scream, but he quickly gives in. An agonizing cry of pain rips its way from Xander’s throat.

The woman holds the cables against him for what feels like an eternity before pulling them away. Xander slumps the moment the electricity stops running through his system, his weight being fully held by his arms for a long couple of seconds before he's able to get his feet to cooperate. Xander is breathing heavily and feels like his whole body is on fire. 

"Now. What is your name?" The large man asks again, sounding bored.

Xander takes a moment to catch his breath before answering "Brendon... Jones." His voice is weaker than it was the last time. The man once again doesn't accept this answer and gestures for the woman to repeat the process. 

This goes on for at least an hour, maybe more. Xander sticks to his answer, but the man does not believe him. Just when Xander doesn't think he can take anymore, they stop. 

"We will give you some time to think about your answers. We will be back tomorrow. This is only the beginning." The two Russians leave the room and Xander is alone. He's shaking violently but he can't tell if it's from his fried nerve endings or the cold.

The moment the door closes Xander slumps. He takes several deep breaths in an attempt to bring his heart rate back to something somewhat normal and get his entire body to stop shaking.

* * *

Xander manages to get very little rest that evening, he would allow his eyes to rest, but he never fully loses consciousness. He forces himself to ignore the ache in his arms and his chest, his eyes flying open and his body tenses at the slightest sound. 

Xander knew that he just had to cling onto his cover until John found him. He knew it was just a question of when not if. 

It goes on like that for what Xander estimates to be three days. At the start of each day he has a bucket of ice-cold water dumped over him and then questioned and tortured when he doesn't give the answer they want. That's followed by hours upon hours of isolation where Xander is in too much pain to try and figure out a way to escape. Through it all though, Xander keeps up his lie. His name is Brendon Jones, he is a watchmaker on vacation from Cardiff in England. 

They never believe him.

On the fourth day Xander is on the verge of breaking. His body hasn't stopped shaking from the last torture session, he hasn't eaten or truly slept in the past several days (they had given him a bit of water, thankfully) and he was almost certain that he had a fever. 

His torturers didn't care. 

The water is dumped on him once again and the man asks the same question he has been asking for the past few days.

"What is your name."

"B-b-brendon J-Jones." Xander’s voice is extremely rough, almost gone completely from all the screams that had been viciously torn from him the past few days.

The cables are pressed against his skin once again and he screams, his muscles locking up and tears streaming down his face. 

He can't do this anymore. 

The cables are pulled away and Xander lets his arms take his full weight, not even attempting to right himself.

"What is your name?"

Xander takes several large breaths before speaking. "X-Xander Lee." he whispers.

The lady goes to press the cables against him again and Xander can't help but flinch back as far as he can. The man raises his hand and she stops, inches away from Xander.

"What was that? I couldn't quite hear you." He prompts. Xander is silent, not willing to repeat himself. The man gestures for her to continue and Xander can't stop himself. 

"Xander Lee! My name is Xander Lee." He cries as she presses them against him, his fake accent droops. She takes them away quicker this time then she had previously. 

His two captors share a look and the large man smiles a twisted smile with no warmth. 

"Well then, Mr.Lee. It's a pleasure to meet you."

* * *

Xander's stomach feels like it has a large, heavy rock in it. And while he's thankful they gave him some food, the redheaded lady forced him to eat some stale bread and half an apple, it was making that feeling worse. He's so ashamed that he gave in so quickly. He should have been able to hold out for much longer but he didn't. He was weak. John would be so disappointed in him.

John.

Xander was glad that the other man wasn't here to see him like that. It would break his husband's heart to see Xander like this. 

Sometimes during the long stretches of isolation Xander thought he would hear him, though he felt John's arms around him or his hand cupping Xander’s face. Of course those were just dreams that his mind conjured to try and comfort him during this hard time. 

Xander shifted slightly and felt his ring move against his chest. Before leaving for this mission he had removed his dog tags, knowing that if he got caught they couldn't know he was working for PEIP. He left them on his and John's dresser in their room. He took his wedding ring off too and went to place it down but something in him couldn't. He looked at the ring for a long moment and made a decision. He took the chain his dog tags usually hung from and slipped the ring on it before putting the chain back around his neck and tucking it under his shirt. 

When his captors stripped him of all of his equipment they must have either decided not to bother with taking it, or they completely missed it. Either way Xander was glad, feeling its weight helped ground him ever so slightly.

* * *

It was a normal day for President Howard Goodman. He woke up at 7 am, had eggs, toast, and black coffee for breakfast, and was now dealing with the usual bullshit that comes with being president. Nothing at all indicated that this day would be a memorable one for any reason whatsoever. But it was, in one of the worst possible ways. 

Around four o'clock Howard is sitting at his desk in the oval office filling out paperwork when a secret service agent enters the room. 

"Excuse me sir. You're needed in the war room. Someone claiming to be the head of The Federal Security Service is on a video call and is demanding to speak with you, it seems urgent." She says. Howard quickly stands up and follows the agent down the hall, racking his brain to try and figure out what this might be about. 

He enters the room and sits down at the head of the table, his vice president, secretary of defense, and secretary of state are already seated. He nods at the secretary of defense.

"Bring it up".

The man presses a button and the screen at the other end of the room lights up. Howard and his counsel are greeted to a large Russian man with a dark beard. 

"Mr. President." the man spoke, his accent so heavy that Howard had a hard time understanding what he said. 

"I am Howard Goodman, President of The United States of America. And you are?" Howard states civilly.

"Who I am does not matter. All you need to know is that I am working on behalf of my government. " The other man waves him off and Howard is a bit taken back. "We caught an American agent sneaking around one of our top-secret bases. We know he is U.S military, but we don't know what branch." 

Howard sent a confused look at the Secretary of Defense. He wasn't aware of any deployment of troops to Russia. The other man shook his head. He clearly didn't know anything about it either. 

"We don't have any active-duty military personnel in Russia outside of the embassy at this time." Howard says slowly, wanting to be sure that the other man understands that this is not them.

The Russian man's face twists in anger. 

"You dare to tell me that this" he turns the camera towards a man who is hanging from the ceiling by his wrists and looks half dead, head hanging forward. "man is not one of yours? Do not play me for a fool." The Russian man speaks passionately, spit flying from his mouth as he speaks. 

Howard takes a closer look at the man on screen. If Howard didn't know any better he would almost think that it was- no it couldn't be. The man moves his head slightly, allowing Howard to see the man’s face and Howard’s heart clenches. 

It's Xander. 

Howard somehow manages to keep a calm facade despite how much he is freaking out on the inside. 

"I suppose it is... possible that there was a mission being run that I was unaware of." Howard says slowly. The secretary of defense opens his mouth to say something but is silenced by Howard shooting him a glare. "What can I do to assure this man’s safe return?" Howard asks, his eyes returning to the screen which now once again shows the large man.

"You have the blueprints for a new nuclear weapon. We want them. You have forty-eight hours to make a decision Mr. President. After that we will execute this man." Before Howard is able to say anything the video call ends. 

"Mr. President I-" Bob Morris starts to talk.

"Out." Howard's voice is low and cold. 

"Mr. President?" The Secretary of State questions. 

"All of you, out." Howard says louder, somehow managing to keep his voice steady. His eyes are still trained on the screen. The three members of his cabinet look at each other and stand up exiting the room. Howard reaches into his pocket and dials a number, putting the phone up to his ear. 

"John? It's Howard. I need you to come to the White House asap. I have something you need to see.” He goes silent for a moment, listening to the other man’s response before cutting him off. “I understand you're busy at the moment, but trust me this is far more important than whatever it is you're working on." Howard hangs up the phone before the other man can argue. He puts it down heavily on the table and buries his head in his hands.

* * *

John arrives at the White House in a horrible mood. What could Howard possibly need that's more important than him finding Xander safe and whole and alive. He's led to the war room where Howard is sitting with his head in his hands. He doesn't seem to notice John enter the room. 

John waits a second before clearing his throat. When that doesn't seem to get the man's attention, he speaks. ”What do you need Mr. President?" John tries to keep his voice professional, but he's certain that some irritation slips in. Howard looks over at John, an unreadable expression on his face. 

"General, why don't you take a seat?" He gestures to a chair to his right. John clenches his jaw and remains where he is.

"I'd rather stand sir." John just wants to handle whatever it is that Howard deems important so he can get back to finding Xander.

"Believe me, you'll want to be sitting for this." He gestures at the chair once again. 

"With all due respect sir-"

"Damn it John, sit!" Howard snaps at him, pointing angrily at the chair. John looks at him for a beat before moving to the table and taking a seat. He doesn't see why he has to be sitting, but he'll do anything to get this meeting over with. 

Once John's seated Howard sighs and picks up a remote, pointing it at the screen on the wall and pressing the same button that the Secretary of Defense did. The screen lights up with what John can tell right off the bat is a recorded video call. 

John watches and he feels his heart stop when Xander appears on the screen. He looks so hurt so…

Broken. 

John is thankful that Howard had insisted on him sitting down because right now he's not sure his legs would be able to support him.

The video ends and John can feel the familiar prick of tears welling up in his eyes. Howard notices and reaches out, placing a comforting hand on the other man's shoulder. He can’t imagine how John must be feeling, what he must be thinking. 

"John..." he starts but trails off, not knowing what to say. What can you say in a situation like this? 

The two men sit in silence for what feels like forever.

"Hand me the remote." John's voice has a bit of a tremble to it. Howard doesn't say anything, knowing that the other man wouldn't want it to be acknowledged, and wordlessly hands over the remote. John plays the video again, fast-forwarding to the part that showed Xander. He pauses it and sets the remote down, staring at the still image of his husband near death. He stares at the image for several minutes, jaw clenched tightly and hands shaking slightly. Howard is about to say something but John speaks before he’s able to.

"There," John says, raising a hand to point a shaky finger at the image, more specifically Xander’s throat. If Howard looks closely he can just barely see the glint of something shiny.

"What is it?" He asks confused as to what John is getting at. 

"It's a chain. More specifically the type of chain our dog tags hang on. Xanders are sitting at home on our dresser, which means...." John trails off. 

It’s like all of a sudden a lightbulb flicks on his head. He quickly pulls out his phone and selects a contact. John presses the phone against his ear and chews on his lip nervous until the person on the other end answers.

"Private, it's General McNamara. I need you to do something for me. Are you in front of a computer?” He pauses for a second from the person on the other side of the call to answer. “Good. Go into the personnel folders and pull up Lieutenant Lee. Pull up the trackers subfolder and scroll down to the third one marked W_B_R_F. It is going to ask for a password, enter the code X-L-2-1-4-1-1-J-M. Once you've accessed the folder you will see a prompt if you want to activate the tracker, or go back. Active it." John falls silent for a moment, waiting for the other person to follow his instructions. A few seconds later John lets out a shaky breath. "Keep it running, I'll be returning to base soon." John hangs up the phone and turns to Howard.

"Thank you for calling me, Howard. You may have just saved Xander's life." John gives the other man a small smile and a nod before he turns and walks out of the room. Howard quickly scrambles out of his seat and chases him down the hall.

"John, wait up!” He sees John pause briefly in the hall and Howard quickly catches up with him. Howard is breathing heavily and leans slightly against the wall “What's so special about the chain?" 

"Like I said, it's for dog tags and Xanders dog tags are on the dresser. The only other thing that he’s ever put on that chain is his wedding band, which just so happens to have a tracker in it. The one in his phone was destroyed and the one implanted in his arm somehow got deactivated. I didn't even think to try the one in his ring because I had assumed that he left it with his dog tags. I've never been so glad to be wrong." John rushes down the hall and Howard watches him go. Howard has more questions but he doesn't want to take up any more of John’s times. He can ask all the questions he wants once Xander is safe.

* * *

As soon as John arrives back at PEIP he rushes over to where Erik is sitting on the computer. "Private. How's it coming?"

"Still working sir." Erik responds, eyes never leaving the screen where a large progress bar is loading. "According to the estimate it should take approximately four hours." John sighs and clenches his fist slightly. He wants to yell, he wants to scream. But he knows that this isn’t Erik’s fault and taking his frustrations out on the younger man would accomplish nothing. 

"I want to know the second it has his location, understood?" His words are clipped and he can tell by the way that Erik’s back slightly straightened that he can feel the tension rolling off John in waves.

"Yes sir." Erik manages to keep his voice calm and level. John rests his hand on the other man's shoulder. Erik turns and looks up at him and John forces a small smile on his face. 

“Thank you.” John’s voice was soft and genuine. Erik smiled back at him and nodded. 

“We’ll find him General.” Erik sounded determined and that did make John feel better. He was glad to know that he wasn’t the only one who wanted to find Xander. John squeezes Erik’s shoulder slightly before forcing himself to leave the room. He had two very important people to go check on.

* * *

Those four hours seem to crawl by slower than ever. He spends them in the family room with Hannah and Lex, watching Disney movies. Well, the girls are watching them, John is trying desperately not to watch the time on his watch. Hannah is curled up against him on his left and Lex has her head on his lap, legs stretched out to his right. John is grateful for his girls, they are the only thing keeping him sane right now. 

Hannah reaches her hand up and begins playing with John’s hair. It’s a nice, soothing feeling. He slightly leans into her hand without even noticing that he did so.

“It’s going to be okay dad. You’re going to find him, you’ll save him, he’ll be a little banged up but nothing that the two of you haven’t gotten through before. Everything will be fine.” Lex sits up and looks at John, but John can’t look back at her. 

He hadn’t told the girls about the video, how could he? You can’t tell your daughters that you saw a video of their other father looking half dead. You can’t tell them that you saw clear signs of torture. Can’t tell them that you have less than two days to find him before they kill him. He wants to keep his daughters hopeful that everything will turn out well and that they won’t have to bury a member of their family. John wraps an arm around Lex and gives her a squeeze. 

“I’m sure you’re right kiddo.” He forces a small amount of hopefulness into his voice and Lex rests her head on John’s shoulder. He starts lightly running his arm up and down Lex’s arm. John hears Hannah’s breathing even out and he glances over and sees that the youngest of his girls has fallen asleep. He takes his free hand and gently runs his hand through her hair. He forces his attention back on the television, trying his hardest to ignore the quiet ‘tick-tock’ of his watch, not wanting to register that time is passing and he’s growing closer and closer to being too late.

* * *

Finally he gets the call that they found Xander’s location. He untangles himself from the girls as quickly as he can without waking Hannah up. Once he’s free of the clinging limbs he all but runs out of the room. The quick walk between the family room and the control room has never felt longer. He almost goes past the door but comes to a sudden stop in front of it and barges in, not even bothering to take a breath. Erik turns to John, a nervous look in his eyes. 

“We found him sir. The tracker in his ring is saying that he’s in Mosco.” John bites back a scream. That’s over 10 hours away. Sure, John will get there well before the 48-hour deadline, but who knows what they might do to Xander before John can get there. John wants, no, needs to be there now. 

If only there was a quicker way to travel to Russia…

His eyes slide over to the portal. It's a stupid idea. It's a risky idea. But... it might just work. He calls for one of the agents to bring him a suit and they quickly do. He puts it on as fast as humanly possible, not willing to spend any more time thinking over his plan. John knows that it’s not a good idea, but he’s willing to do anything to get to Xander as quickly as possible. 

He's pretty sure Colonel Schaeffer is yelling at him for being ‘so stupid’, but he can't hear her, his ears are ringing so loudly that all he can hear is the sound of his own heart beating. 

Before he knows it he's standing in front of the portal as it flickers to life. It lets off an eerie green glow, illuminating the front of John’s suit. He looks over at Erik, who nods back at him once, before he steps through without a second thought.

* * *

The expansive darkness that is the Black and White usually would have thrown him off, but John was on a very important mission and he wasn't going to let anything stop him.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't General John McNamara. Fancy seeing you here." A voice slightly off to his side speaks. Great. This was the last person that he wanted to see at the moment. Wilbur Cross.

"I'm not in the mood Cross. Xander's in serious trouble so either help me or stay out of my way." John growls out, hoping that he scared the other man away. 

He did not.

"Now why would I do either of those things? It's so much more fun to mess with you." Wilbur teases, following closely behind John, a small skip in his step.

"Don't fucking test me.” John stops and turns, snarling at Wilbur and jabbing a finger in his chest. “I will kill you if you try to stop me." Wilbur smirks and barley glances down at John’s finger before he pushes it away. 

"Oh will you now? You haven't been able to bring yourself to do it before, why is it any different now?” 

"There is nothing I won’t do right now. I am on a mission and nothing will stop me from succeeding.” John walks towards Wilbur, forcing the other man to move backward. “You do not want to test me Wilbur.”

John expects Wilbur to laugh at him. Expects Wilbur to mock him for caring about another person so much. For him to use this moment to declare that this is why love is overrated. Look at what is done to John after all. But none of those things happen. Instead Wilbur looks at John, really looks at him, as if he was trying to see into John’s mortal soul. 

"... you really love him, don't you?" Wilbur’s voice is soft, a sharp contrast to how he spoke mere moments before. That was the last thing John was expecting, and it throws him off for a second.

John doesn't really know how to answer. Of course he loves Xander, what kind of question is that? He loves Xander with all of his heart, loves him with every fiber of his being. 

He loves Xander...

"...as much as I used to love you." John answers honestly. It was a risky thing to say, it was either going to play on any feelings that Wilbur might still have for him, or it’s going to enrage the other man and John is going to have to follow through on his threat to kill Wilbur. Wilbur is silent for a long moment and John silently readied his gun. 

"Okay." He eventually says, his voice sounds determined. "What do you need?"

"Really?" John is stunned, this has to be a trick. Right?

"Really really." There is no hint of dishonesty or malice in Wilbur's voice. It’s strange to hear from the man who had been his enemy for the past thirteen years. It almost reminds him of the time before all of this. John mentally shakes himself, now was not the time to think about that.

John decides not to look a gift horse in the mouth at this moment. He’ll take the help Wilbur’s offering and if he stabs John in the back, John will just have to deal with it later. John's number one concern right now is saving Xander.

"I need to get to the Russians portal. Xander is being held captive in Mosco.” 

"Well that's easy enough.” Wilbur starts walking in the opposite direction confidently and John follows him. “Do you need any backup?" 

"I don't need-" John was about to explain that no, he didn’t need back up. He couldn’t risk them slowing him down. He can save Xander by himself, but Wilbur cuts him off.

"Let me rephrase that, do you have any backup?" Wilbur stops and turns to face John looking at him expectantly.

"No. But-"

"No butts. I'll be your back up." Wilbur turns away and continues to walk to the portal. John looks at him hesitantly for a moment before following him.

“I don’t think that that’s a good idea.”

"Oh come on Jonathan, we always made such a great team. You know you could use my help." Wilbur snaps his fingers and a portal opens up. He pulls a gun out of seemingly nowhere.

"... can I trust you?" John wants to accept help from Wilbur. He knows that Wilbur was a great agent when he worked for PEIP and he wouldn’t slow John down. But Wilbur had betrayed him, betrayed them all years ago. Could he really afford to trust Wilbur with this?

"Do you have a choice?" Wilbur raises an eyebrow and gestures to the portal.

"Ok." John nods at him and walks past Wilbur and goes through the portal. He emerges in a large, cold warehouse. He hears Wilbur follow him and snaps his fingers again, closing the portal as John strips out of the suit revealing his uniform beneath. 

“Us coming through the portal isn’t going to alert them that we’re here, will it?” John realizes that he probably should have thought about that before.

“Nah. You guys never noticed me coming through yours.” Wilbur waves him off and walks towards the exit to the room.

“Good that’s a relief.” John finishes removing the suit and registers what Wilbur actually just said. “Wait what?”

Wilbur opens his mouth to respond, not looking the least bit ashamed, but is cut off by the sound of a scream coming from down the hall. John knows in an instant that it’s Xander and he takes off down the hall, Wilbur close behind him. 

They come to a spot where the hall branches off the left and the right and John is about to suggest that they split up when another scream comes from the right. 

“This way.” Wilbur runs past John down the hallway. John doesn't hesitate in following him. There is a small voice in the back of his head warning him that this might be a trap, Wilbur might be working with them, but he pushes those thoughts to the side. 

They begin to hear a deep voice speaking and Wilbur throws out an arm, forcing John to come to a stop. 

“We grow tired of this Mr. Lee. All you have to do is tell us what branch of the U.S military you work for and we will give you a brief break.” John recognized the voice as the one from the video. 

“I- I told you…. I don’t w-work for the military.” That was Xander. His voice was low and rough, it sounded like it hurt for him to talk. Moments later John could hear Xander scream and John pushed past Wilbur and kicked down the door to the room the voices were coming from. 

He saw a woman with red hair holding jumper cables against Xander and he shoots her before she has a chance to react. A bullet buries itself into her skull and she drops to the ground and the cables fall from her hands. Xander stops screaming and his head falls forward, it seems like if he wasn’t being held up by the chain around his wrists he would be in a heap on the floor. 

John turns and sees the large man rushing towards him. Before John had a chance to react he’s being tackled to the ground. The other man tries to wrestle the gun from his hand and John fights back. At some point the gun goes skitting across the room and John somehow manages to get the upper hand and is pinning the other man to the ground. 

John pulls his fist back and hits the man in the face once. And then again. And again. Over and over again. Eventually, the man stops moving, but John doesn't stop. He is so angry, he sees nothing but red and he can feel himself shaking. He feels a hand on his shoulder and he turns, fist raised to strike whoever it was who was behind him. Before his fist connects with its target his wrist is caught.

“John that’s enough, he’s dead.” Wilbur’s voice breaks through John’s anger. He doesn't respond, his hair is half hanging in his face, his breathing is heavy and he’s still shaking. He looks like he had just snapped and for all intents and purposes, he had. “Xander needs you right now.” Wilbur’s voice is soft yet firm. John knows he’s right and forces himself to stand up. He quickly moves over to Xander.

John comes to stand in front of Xander and gently cups the other man’s face with his hand. Xander lets out a soft whimper, not looking up at him. John reaches up and tries to unchain Xander’s hands but he’s unable to. 

“Step back.” Wilbur says and he looks over at him. He sees Wilbur with his gun raised and pointed at the chain above Xander. John takes a step or two away and Wilbur pulls the trigger. The bullet rips through the chain and Xander collapses. Before he hits the ground John surges forward and catches him. Xander struggles against John as hard as he can, which isn’t very hard with how weak he is from the torture, but John refuses to let go.

“Xander. Love, it’s me. I found you. You’re safe now.” John whispers reassuringly in Xander’s ear. He hears Xander’s breath hitch and he stops struggling. 

“J-John?” Xander sounds hesitant, like he’s afraid to get his hopes up, and John’s heart breaks even more than it already had. He tightens his hold on the weakened man. 

“I’m here. I got you.” John can feel all of the tension drain out of Xander’s body when he speaks. Xander begins crying and clings to John. John pulls him even closer, ignoring the front of his shirt growing damp from Xander’s tears. He mutters loving words to Xander and rubs his back softly. 

“I hate to break up this touching reunion, but we should probably get going before someone else shows up.” Wilbur picks up John’s discarded gun and holds it out to him. John knows that he’s right and takes the offered gun with one of his hands and places it back in his holster, keeping the other firmly wrapped around Xander’s waist so he doesn’t fall. 

“I’m going to carry you, is that okay?” John asks Xander softly. After what Xander just went through he wants to make sure that Xander knows that he has some say over what’s going on. Xander gives him a hesitant nod. John carefully picks Xander up and carries him bridal style. Wilbur snaps his fingers and summons a portal. John steps towards it before he’s stuck with a thought. 

“Shit, the suit. It’s back by the portal and I didn’t bring a second one.” John felt like such an idiot. Why didn’t he think of that before he went through the portal? Before John can continue down that thought path, Wilbur speaks. 

“Don’t worry about that, the two of you will be fine.” He waves off John’s worry, something he seems to be quite good at. John once again finds himself in a position that he has to fully trust Wilbur. The man hasn’t given John any reason not to yet, but that doesn't mean that Wilbur doesn't have a trick up his sleeve. Xander shifts uncomfortably in John’s arms, moaning in pain as he moves his shoulder awkwardly, and John’s mind is made up.

John shoots Wilbur a grateful look and steps through the portal, reentering the Black and White. He stands off to the side as Wilbur comes through as well. As soon as he’s back in the Black and White Wilbur snaps his fingers once again and he leads John to another place in the endless void. It looks no different to John than the spot they had just been in, but Wilbur seemed to think otherwise. He opens another portal and John could see that it leads back to the PEIP portal room. 

“Thank you Wilbur. If there’s anything I can do to pay you back for the help-”

“Don’t go making promises that you don’t have any intention to keep Jonathan.” Wilbur has a smirk across his face as he speaks.

“If you ever want to come back, PEIP will have a spot for you.” John says firmly and that seems to throw Wilbur off. He very obviously wasn’t expecting John to say that. He grows silent and just when John thinks that he’s not going to respond he speaks quietly. 

“Thanks.” He gives John an honest smile, something John hasn’t seen from this man in over a decade. “Now get out here, before I change my mind and don’t let you two leave.” The Wilbur that John was used to dealing with is back and John gives him one last thankful glance before stepping back into PEIP’s portal room. 

He greeted by an angry Colonel Schaffer, a nervous-looking Erik, and a stoic looking Dr. Tudor who has a gurney ready to go. Schaffer starts scolding him the moment he’s through the portal, but he blocks her out for the time being. He’s sure he’ll get an ear full later, but Xander is his priority right now. The man in his arms had passed out at some point during the journey home. John gently set him down on the gurney and nods at Dr. Tudor who quickly rushed him off to the infirmary. 

John heard the portal shut down behind him and he looked over at Erik who was still by the control panel. He walks over to the younger agent and places a hand on his shoulder. 

“You did a good job Private Herbert. Thank you.”

“Of course General. I’m glad that we got him back.” Erik smiles at John and he can’t help but smile back. They did get Xander back. 

“General, you can’t keep doing reckless stunts like that.” Schaffer finally gets John’s attention. He sighs and turns to face her. 

“You are absolutely right Colonel, and you can tear me a new one for it later. But right now I just want to go hug my kids and tell them that their father is alive and home.” John sounded as tired as he felt and Schaffer’s face grew soft. 

“Of course John. I’m sure they’ll be glad to hear that.” She gave him a comforting squeeze on his shoulder and John smiled gratefully at her. 

“Thank you Amanda.” John respected the hell out of Amanda Schaffer because, other than Xander, she was the only one who was willing to call him out on his stupid actions. John turns to go find his daughters, but Schaffer calls out to stop him.

“John before you do you might want to clean the blood off your face.” John stops, confused about what she was talking about. He reaches up with a hand and touches his face. When his hand comes back with blood smeared across it he takes a moment to figure out how it might have gotten there. 

Suddenly it clicks in his head. It must have been from when he was fighting the Russian man and he hadn’t noticed it before. He doesn't know what to say, so he just walks out of the room and makes a b-line for the nearest bathroom. It doesn't take him long to find one and he comes to stop in front of a mirror. He looks at his reflection and sees a blood splatter across his face. He’s glad that Amanda pointed it out to him, he doesn't want to worry Lex and Hannah. 

He grabs a paper towel from the nearby dispenser and dampens it with cool water before running it across his face. The cool water feels good against his skin as he wipes the blood away. He looks back up at the mirror and pushes the hair back out of his face. He looks carefully to make certain that he got all of the blood off. Once he’s certain there are no spots that he missed he throws the paper towel in the nearby trash bin and sets off towards the family room. The girls are probably still in there he figures. And he's right. 

Lex looks away from the movie on the screen and sees John standing in the doorway. 

“Dad! You’re already back. Did you find him? Is he okay? Where was he?” Questions tumble out of her mouth quicker than John can answer them. Hannah doesn't say anything but she looks just as eager for answers and Lex is. He walks over to the sofa and sits between them.

“Yes Lex, we got him. Xander’s home and safe.” John’s voice trembled slightly with emotion and Hannah hugged him. He hugged her back and he felt Lex join in the hug. The three of them sat there for a while 

“When can we go see him?” Lex’s voice is slightly muffled from her face being pressed against John’s side. He pulls back out of the hug and pushes some of the hair out of Lex’s face and tucked it behind her ear. 

“I’m not sure Lexi. Dr. Tudor’s checking him over right now and doing whatever she can to help him.” He sees Hannah stifle a yawn out of the corner of his eye. He glances down at his watch and notices that it’s late. “Why don’t the two of you head to bed. It’s been a long day for us all and I’m sure that you could use some rest.”

“Not tired.” Hannah objects, but is quickly undermined by another yawn escaping her. John chuckles and ruffles her hair. 

“Real convincing squirt.” John softly teases as he stands up and turns to face the girls.“Come on, I promise I’ll come get you if anything changes.” Hannah seems to think it over for a moment before holding out her hand, pinky extended. 

“Promise?” She prompts and John smiles softly and extends his own pinky, hooking it with hers.

“Promise.” Hannah seems satisfied at this and she gives John another hug before going to get ready for bed. He watches her go before turning back to Lex. “You too kiddo.” Lex rolls her eyes.

“Dad I’m seventeen, I can stay up a little later.” 

“That may be true. But like I said, it’s been a long day and I know you’ve been worried and that takes a lot out of a person emotionally.” John can see the tension sitting on the young girl's shoulders. She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders. Just like John does. She looks at him for a long moment, clearly trying to come up with a counter-argument, but she can’t think of one.

“Okay, you win.” She stands up and gives her father a kiss on the cheek. “You should try and get some sleep too. He’ll still be here tomorrow.” 

“I’ll think about it.” Lex rolls her eyes at his response and heads to her room. John knows that she’s probably going to stay up for another few hours talking to Ethan, but he’s fine with that. He quickly cleans up the room, turning off the T.V and folding the blanket the girls had been using and placing it at the end of the couch. 

Once he’s satisfied that the room is in presentable condition he flips the lights off and heads down the hall. He passes by his and Xander’s quarters and finds himself coming to a stop in front of his office. He considers walking by and heading to the infirmary, but he knows that Dr. Tudor is still doing what she needs to and that he would only get in her way. He decides that he might as well get a start on the post-mission paperwork that he needs to fill out and goes in. He barely has a second to sit down before he hears a knock on the office door. 

“Come in.” He calls out and is only mildly surprised to see Schaffer enter. “Ah Colonel, are you here to lecture me for my reckless actions?” He has a slightly forced pleasant tone to his voice and Schaffer shakes her head. She pulls a hand out from behind her back and in it she has a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. 

“Actually, I thought you might need a drink and a friend right now.” She has a playful smile as she speaks and John feels some of the tension drain out of his shoulders. He gestures to one of the chairs positioned across his desk. 

“Please, take a seat.” She does and opens the bottle of whiskey and pours a generous pour and hands it to John, who takes it with a quiet “thank you” before she pours a glass for herself. The two of them drink and talk for an hour or so and John can tell that he’s a bit drunk. 

“Ya know,” She somehow manages to sound completely sober even though John knows that she has had just as much to drink as he has. “what you did today was really stupid. What with going into the Black and White.”

“That’s not even the dumbest thing I did today.” He mumbles into his glass, but Amanda hears him. 

“Please, what could have been worse than you using the portal as a shortcut between here and Russia?” She scoffs. John doesn't answer, taking a long drink from his glass instead and Amanda grows serious. “John, what did you do?”

“I might have…. asked Wilbur for help.” He hesitantly admits and her eyes grow wide. 

“I’m sorry. Wilbur? Wilbur Cross? As in the man who betrayed us all and everything that we stand for? That Wilbur?” Her voice gets louder as she talks and John can’t help but shrink back into his chair a little. 

“Maybe.” 

“Jonathan McNamara how on earth could you be that stupid!” She all but slams her glass down on his desk and stands up, her hands clenched at her side. 

“Okay to be fair, I didn’t actually ask him for help. I told him to either get out of my way or help me. I didn’t actually think he’d help.” John quickly explains. It sounds ridiculous to his own ears. 

“And he didn’t betray you? Didn’t give you up to the Russians or stab you in the back? Literally or figuratively?” Amanda sounds like she can’t believe what she’s being told and quite honestly, John can’t blame her. If just a month ago someone told him that Wilbur Cross would help him rescue his husband, well John would have probably sent that person for a psychological evaluation. 

“Surprisingly, no. In fact I probably wouldn’t have been able to save Xander without his help.” Amanda looks at him for a long moment, processing what he said. She chuckles and shakes her head slightly. 

“Well, who’d have thought?” She picks her glass back up and takes another sip from it. She goes to say something else but is interrupted by a knock at the door. The two of them share a confused look and John glances down at his watch. It’s almost midnight. Who could need something from him at the hour?

“Come in.” He calls for the second time that night and Dr. Tudor steps in. She looks tired, but not necessarily like she’s there to deliver bad news, but that's no guarantee of good news. Amanda sees her and looks between the two of them for a second before reaching forward and grabbing the almost empty bottle from the desk. 

“I’ll let the two of you talk.” She says, shooting John a reassuring smile before she takes her leave, not even stumbling a little as she walks. 

“How is he?” John’s voice is guarded, he doesn't want to get his hopes up, just to be told bad news. Oh god, what if Xander didn’t make it? What if John was just a little too late? How would John be able to cope with that? Why in the world did he tell the girls that Xander was going to be okay before he knew for sure? 

“He’s going to be fine.” Dr. Tudor's voice cut through John’s thoughts and his gaze snapped back to her. He hadn't even noticed that he had been staring at a spot on the wall behind her. 

“Really?” His voice cracked with emotion and Dr.Tudor gave him a small smile. 

“Really. He’s a little malnourished and dehydrated, so we have him on an I.V to get him some nutrients, and he has slight hypothermia. We have him under several blankets and are keeping an eye on his temperature, and it seems to be returning to a better place, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he develops a fever in the next few hours. His wrists were rubbed raw so we cleaned them and bandaged them and his right shoulder was dislocated so we popped it back in place and placed his arm in a sling. He shows signs of being repeatedly electrocuted and we will have to wait until he’s awake to see if there is any lasting nerve damage. There are two spots on his chest that appear to be where the electricity was applied and those spots will more than likely have some lasting scarring.” Dr. Tudor explains everything very plainly, not trying to hide anything for his benefit which John is thankful for. 

He can’t help but feel sick when she talks about the fact that Xander had been electrocuted. Of course, John had already known that, he had seen it happen, but that didn’t make it any easier to hear. John has to take several deep breaths and remind himself that the people who did it were dead. 

“Can I go see him?” He hopes she says yes, he needs to see Xander. He needs to hold his hand and reassure himself that this isn’t just a dream. That he’s not going to wake up in a few hours to an empty bed and his husband still missing. 

“Of course you can. I’d be worried if you didn’t.” Dr. Tudor's voice is soft. John quickly stands up, ignoring the way he slightly sways as he does so. Maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea for him to drink so much. He forces his feet to follow Dr. Tudor across the base to the infirmary. She comes to stop in front of a door and turns back to John, gesturing for him to go in. 

He pushes the door open and his eyes immediately fall on Xander who is lying unconscious on the infirmary bed. The slight rise and fall of his chest as he breathes and the rhythmic beeping of the machine tracking Xander’s vital signs. Tears begin to fill John’s eyes and he quickly crosses the room, hesitantly placing his hand on top of Xander’s left hand which was sitting on top of the blankets that he was under. At actually feeling that Xander is real and solid, a sob breaks free from his chest. He crumbles into a chair that was thankfully placed next to the bed. He pulls Xander’s hand up to him, careful of his injured wrist, and presses a kiss to the back of his knuckles. 

“Oh, god Xan.” John speaks quietly as he softly rubs his thumb against the spot on Xander’s hand that he just kissed. He clenches Xander’s hand tightly and lets his eyes slide shut. He suddenly feels all of the energy from the day drain out of him. His eyelids feel like stones and his head drops forward. Before John knows it he slips into unconsciousness. 

* * *

“John… John wake up.” A pleasant yet slightly rough voice calls out to him through the haze of unconsciousness. He feels a soft squeeze on his hand and lets out a small groan as he forces his eyes open. 

Upon opening his eyes he notices that he’s not in his and Xander’s room. It takes him a few moments for him to realize that he’s in the infirmary and another half a second for his memories to catch up to him. He quickly turns to look at the bed and sees a tired-looking Xander looking back at him with a smile on his face. 

“Morning dear.” Xander’s voice is slightly horse but to John it’s the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard. 

“How are you feeling? Do you need me to get you anything?” John is already half out of his chair by the time he’s done speaking. Xander’s still holding his hand and squeezes slightly, his grip is weak enough that John could easily break free from it, but instead John stops and slowly sits back down. 

“I just need you to sit here with me.” How could John refuse a request like that? 

“Of course.” John smiles earnestly and Xander hums happily. The two of them sit in comfortable silence, John softly running his thumb across Xander’s hand. 

“Hey John?” Xander breaks the silence after a while. 

“Yeah Xan?”

“Thank you for coming for me.” John looks at him with a serious expression on his face. 

“Of course. I’ll always come for you. No matter what.” John promises and Xander’s smile grows slightly. 

“Come here.” Xander leans forward slightly and John leans in to meet him. The two of them share a tender kiss. John is holding back slightly, afraid of hurting Xander. Xander can tell and pulls his hand from John’s and he grabs the front of John’s shirt and pulls him in closer.

John breaks the kiss and leans his forehead against Xander’s relishing in being this close to Xander. Xander hums happily and tightens his grip on John’s shirt for a moment before letting go and slowly leaning back against the pillows. 

“I love you.” He says as he settles in, a smile playing at his lips. 

“I love you too Xan.” John is suddenly hit with a thought. “Oh shit.” He says quietly. 

“What’s wrong?” Xander grows serious and like he’s on the edge of panic. John reaches out to grab his hand again and squeezes it reassuringly.

“Nothing, nothing. I just...might have promised the girls that I would come get them the moment we were able to see you, and I didn’t.” John says sheepishly and Xander looks at him blankly for a moment, before he bursts out laughing. John joins in a second later. Their laughter slowly trails off and Xander winces slightly and rubs the spot on his chest where the cables had been pressed against him. John’s smile quickly leaves his face.

“I’m sure they’ll forgive you,” Xander says with a slightly forced smile on his face.

“Yeah, probably. I should go get them though. Will you be okay for a few minutes?” Xander’s smile grows more genuine.

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.” 

“I always worry about you.” John stands up from the chair and leans over to give Xander a kiss on the temple before leaving to get the girls. 

* * *

  
After Lex yells at him for not keeping his promise John finds himself back in Xander’s infirmary room with Lex and Hannah this time. Hannah is sitting on the bed next to Xander on his left side and Lex has the chair pulled up right next to her. John’s leaning against the wall across from the bed, watching as Hannah tell’s Xander a story that he seems invested in. He feels his phone start vibrating in his pocket. He pulls it out and glances down at it. 

It’s Howard.

John glances back up at his family, and once he’s sure that they’ll be okay if he steps into the hall for a moment. Xander looks over at him, giving him a small smile and a nod. John returns the smile and slips into the hall, answering the phone as he does so.   


“Hello Mr. President.” John greats pleasantly.

“John! How’s it going? Did you find Xander? Is he okay?” Howard sounds a bit frazzled and John feels slightly guilty that he didn’t keep Howard updated on the situation. 

“Yes Howard, we got him. He’s a little... “ John searched for the right word for it. “banged up.” he eventually settles on. “He’s in the infirmary healing right now. Dr. Tudor says that he’s almost sure to make a full recovery.” He hears the man on the other side of the phone let out a relieved sigh. 

“Good. I’m glad to hear that.” 

“I want to say thank you Howard. If you hadn’t called me, we might not have found him.” 

“I was nothing John, really.” John disagreed with him, it wasn’t nothing. But he decided not to argue with Howard. 

“If you want I could send someone over to pick you up and bring you to PEIP. You can see how Xander’s doing yourself and I’m sure the girls would be glad to see their Uncle Howie.” John offers and Howard goes quiet for a moment. 

“I’d like that John.” 

“Good. I’ll send Private Herbert to come to get you. He should be there in a half-hour.” 

“Sounds good. I’ll see you soon.” Howard hangs up and John sends a message to Erik before he reenters the room.

He sees Xander and Lex laughing at something Hannah just said and John can’t help but smile at the sight. Despite everything that has happened, John knows that his family is going to be okay. And that’s all that matters right now. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I was way too nervous to post this on my main AO3 account so I made this second one just to share this story.  
> Come yell at me on Tumblr:  
> Ijustwantjohnmcnamaratobehappyok


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